Traces of Me…

Today I called my grandmother (my mother’s mother) to check on her.  Growing up my father’s mother was the one who took care of me and instilled certain values in my life.  My father’s side of the family was more “well off” than my mother’s side. They were cultured, most of them owned their own businesses and enjoyed the finer things in life. So when my grandmother (on my father’s side) passed when I was 15, I was devastated to say the least.

My mother’s side was a complete opposite. My grandmother didn’t get further than an eighth grade education and started having kids at the age of 13 (five total). She lost her husband to a tragic accident.  The way the story goes, he was driving a tractor trailer and somehow fell asleep and drove it off of a bridge. Her oldest daughter followed in her footsteps and started having kids at the age of 13, ending her education at the 8th grade level.   My other aunts graduated high school but didn’t obtain college degrees.  Most of my family on my mother’s side live in a 2 mile radius of each other so the fact that I moved away was truly a blessing.

I say all this to say, even though I’m out in the world attempting to strive for greatness…my family on my mother’s side hasn’t been the most supportive.  Just the other week, I mailed a plaque to my aunt that I had been awarded - “One of Atlanta’s Top 25 Influential Women” with a note that said “If my mother was alive, she would have wanted to have this, I sent it to you in remembrance of her”.  Of course she didnt call, email, write or anything to say she received it even though I know it was in her mailbox on Monday.

When I talked to my grandmother today, she asked me how I was doing. So I told her “i’ve been doing sooooo goood grandma” and she goes “don’t tell me you are if you aren’t.” and I felt as though that was such a pessimistic answer.

So I tell her “grandma, if i wasn’t doing well you know I’d tell you”. so i went on and told her all the good things, like I finally got health, dental and life insurance. And she stops me mid sentence and asks “did you put down a beneficiary” and I said “yea” and she goes “well make sure you have family listed and a phone number too because who knows what can happen” and she goes on and on for like ten minutes about how friends are there but they are not like family ..and i’m thinking “you damn right, my friends took me in, each and every one of them.”  So I tell her “grandma I didn’t call you to talk about when I die, that’s the last thing on my mind right now. You are seriously bringing down my mood” and she goes “you are right, so what else has been going on”. So I start telling her more good stuff, like how I’ve been successful running my own ad campaigns for my business and how i have other ventures that will be launching soon..and she goes “well whatever you do don’t forget where you come from. Don’t get big headed and let those things go to your head”..and I”m like “what?”

In that split second, I first thought of sitting on her couch back in February and saying, “Grandma I’m leaving and I don’t think I’m coming back”. And she says “how are you moving without a plan” and I said “I don’t have a plan, but I have God…that’s all I need”.  Then I thought of every time I’ve called her since moving and letting her know that God definitely had a plan for me but each time she was so negative towards me. She always found a way to belittle me every single time I called and I was TIRED of it.  My aunt used to do the same thing. I would call her and tell her about something great that happened in my life and she would always respond with something that her son had just did. It’s like I’ve always wanted to share my success with my family but they make it so damn hard…

Before I knew it, I blurted out: “You know what, what I do is NEVER enough..it’s never good enough for you guys and that’s why I don’t call or come home. I’m tired of every time I have an accomplishment, you guys shoot me down and make me feel like the bottom of the barrell. Never mind that I got out of this small town, nevermind that I WORK for myself, nevermind any of that because I AIN”T SHIT TO YOU!!”

I just happened to be in a furniture store and every single person in that store turned around to look at me.

“I’ve been shot down all my life and I am FUCKING TIRED! Everytime I share an accomplishment with you, instead of congratulating me you tell me to not get big headed WTF??? Is it that hard to be PROUD of me??? IS IT??”

By this time I had tears streaming down my face and I could have threw my phone across the room shattering it to pieces (if it didn’t cost so much). I was LIVID.

Five minutes later I was at the Sprint Store changing my number.

Fifteen minutes later I was home removing her as the beneficiary off of my insurance policy

I am over it…

…this year alone I’ve heard “I am So Proud of you” more times than I have in my lifetime…and it’s from people that just recently became a part of my life. Just think, when I was younger I used to work so hard to hear those words from family …just to feel validated…but I realized today, that I may never hear those words from them.

Ever…

..and I don’t need to. I just cleaned house..

I went car shopping today. Or shall I say window shopping…only because I knew I wasn’t going to purchase anything.  I AM NOT MY CAR. I drive a piece of crap ..true indeed but I have a feeling I will drive that piece of crap forever. Not because I have to but because it was my mom’s car and it has sentimental value.  That 1990 has gotten me from Maryland to Detroit to Maryland back to Detroit down to Atlanta up to New York down to DC back up to New York down to Maryland and then down to Atlanta in a two year span and she is still pumping along.  My baby has dents in the side, in the hood, paint is chipped and all I can say is the car is a reflection of my life and what I’ve been through..lol.  The other day I was on the phone and cut a corner to close and ended up scrapping a pole. I got out of the car to see how much damage I had done.  I had white paint all down the right side of the car. I shrugged my shoulders, jumped back in the car and kept it moving. Now if that was a brand new range I would have had a heart attack right there.

I’m the type of person that doesn’t let material things define me. I never felt the need to have on the latest fashions, hell i could never tell you if the shoes i’m wearing was this season or last nor the purse and I damn sure have never thought about upgrading the ride…. well until now.

I mean thank god for triple A or I’d be praying to God every day I left the house that my lil hooptie didn’t break down on me. And it sure doesn’t help my ego when they pull my hoop ride up out of valet at a red carpet event when there is a crowd of movers and shakers standing outside.

So in celebration of recent partnerships and big business moves, I may just take an upgrade….

I mean if I don’t get a Range…even a Hyundai would be an upgrade right about now *chuckles*

Good night

mom,

I wish you could have lived to see this.  Just the possibility would have given you a reason to hold on, but it hurts me that you gave up.

I can do anything…

Lauryn Hill was 23 when she made this emotional speech after accepting an NAACP award. While watching the video this past week the first thing that came to mind was “although she was at the height of her career, she was on the verge of a meltdown. She was at her breaking point…”.  You could tell by the words she used, the look in her eyes…

She emerged in a picture this week with Martha Stewart looking a bit tired, maybe stress but her kids happy and healthy.  My first impression was “Lauryn Hill is going through it” but I quickly shot down my assumption because who am I to judge a photo and say what someone is or isn’t going through. For all I know Lauryn Hill is at peace with her decision to leave the music industry. Less pressure to be something that she’s not. More time to spend with people who love her and would love her even if she never sold one record.

A few years back Michelle Williams sang in front of a church. I think it was after Christmas and mid way into her performance, she broke down in tears.  She was in the group Destiny’s Child at the time and they were at the height of their success but who knows what she was going through behind the scenes or what was on her conscious.

I say all this to say,people have NO IDEA what people are going through in their life. Alot of people become envious of people’s success without knowing exactly what’s going on behind the scenes and what obstacles that person has to go through and has gone through to get to where they are.  Everyday half of these people are trashed and dogged out by blogs, commenters, commentators and the likes. Hell I’m guilty of the trashing because I used to ghost blog for various sites (that shall remain nameless) and left those sites for that particular reason.  How can you sleep at night knowing that things that you publish may potentially killed someone’s career or stopped them from eating?

I also used to wonder why black celebrities kept their relationships private but when Jay-z stated

” I just think it’s really a part of your life that you gotta keep to yourself.” You have to, or you’ll go insane in this type of business. You have to have something that’s sacred to you and the people around you.

“I shared so much of my life, my childhood, and my family, the death of my nephew with the world. I should have something to hold on to. You need something for your sanity”

It makes more sense than I ever would have realized. Yes I would love to see more examples of black love but in this f*cked up world, it’s best to just keep your relationship private. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone…

I almost went through a meltdown before after dealing with something very personal and I had no idea who to call, because a part of my life I try to keep personal. I realize you can’t let everyone know everything and I’m wise enough to know that more than half the people I know wouldn’t f*ck with me if I was under different circumstances.  Fortunate for me a friend called to save the day…

All It took was ONE phone call.  ONE from someone that cared.

but I’m hearing news today that someone else wasn’t so lucky…

R.I.P Shakir Stewart

“Show me 10 millionaires and I’ll show you 9 unhappy people’ - Russell Simmons

What in the heck am i looking at this morning?

i guess with this song beyonce is saying “Ladies I got my ring, now it’s time to get yours”…

Time: 10:47pm

I’m listening to Ciara’s Go Girl and at the end she sounds like the crazy chick on the MARTA train..lol. I wonder if she did that on purpose.

Anyway, I had a friend that came in town for her brother’s wedding last week.  She finally made it to my crib on Monday for a two day stay and I took her to meet my friends Michelle (StraightfromtheA.com) and Gyant (mouth of the South).   We ate breakfast at 3 in the afternoon at Thumbs Up and it was the best. Later that night we had dinner at Straits for Tahirah Wright’s birthday. She’s a great publicist in the “A”.

Being around Gyant and me is like really high tense. The both of us can be over dramatic about everything and the result is us yelling and ranting about the latest in pop culture and celebritism. All the while Michelle is more calm and level headed.  So we were at the table talking about what bloggers talk about…blog stuff and I noticed that  my friend had no idea what we were talking about. It’s like we were talking in a foriegn language.  I told her later on “i swear blogging is a culture”.. They say it’s the new hip hop

Later that night we started talking about her type of stuff. You know guys (according to Black Men Reveal our biological clocks are ticking), she teaches cheer camp so we talked a little bit about that and some other things. Truth be told, me and my best friend are on two different wavelengths LOL…  The good thing about it all is that she helped me find some normacy in my fictional little world I’ve been living in.  She showed me this guy in her camera phone and truth be told, he looked like a really sweet guy but… he looked like a really SWEET guy. You know like in “How U DOOINNNG”.  So at first i held my tongue because I don’t want to be negative but man oh man…living in atlanta you gotta get your gaydar in check. I mean seriously.. And I only say that because she expressed interest in moving down here when her lease is up. Which would be good because i seriously need a roomie and i’m really picky about the people i live with.

Dating in Atlanta.. It really bothers me that it’s so natural for females to ask a man down here if he’s ever slept with men. I just find it humiliating and it has definitely effected my dating experience as a whole the first six months i was here.  But another issue is that I’ve never been a “southern guy” type of girl. Like I always felt as though my lifestyle was much too fast and I was far too fiesty so I’ve always settled for New York and Philly guys.  Even now, I’d break the bank flying back and forth to NY to see a papi chula before settling in with a “country boi” no disrespect…

DAmn I just got flashbacks of meeting this guy in New York last summer and he wanted me to call him Papi..lmao

But I also remember meeting a really great guy in New York last summer and he gave me the world. That’s back when i wore my hair really wild, dressed super retro and my toe nails were painted different colors. I was far out there… But he loved it and accepted every bit of me.

He carried me when I was on my last limb. Treated me to the finest restaurants, took me on trips.  But my independence wouldn’t let me let him in and eventually he left. Atleast, I get an occasional “I am so proud of you” email from him every now and then

I really do miss him…

I never login to my old myspace which I use as a personal page but I did today and came across this blog I wrote on November 8, 2007. About six weeks later I went on to create my website N—–B.com

Four years ago, if you started throwing words around like Grindin, Hustlin, and being Hungry in the business, I wouldn’t have a clue what it felt like or meant to be Hungry.

I recieved my first lesson on What it meant to be Hungry while living in Detroit. In 2003 I left my corporate job at an accounting firm in Maryland and decided to take on the entertainment business. After working with a few small entertainment companies I ended packing and moving to Detroit on a whim one day. 6 months later I found myself interning for the Urban Powerhouse FM 98 WJLB.  I remember at the time how much it meant for me to kick my foot in the door of a Clear Channel Station and I worked HARD. I remember being at the station 7 days a week, sometimes 14-16 hours a day working for free…but LOVING every moment of it.  I was passionate about what I was doing and I remember thinking how I would feel to be “IN” and what I would feel like the day they called me into the office to tell me that “I had a Job”.  I was HUNGRY but didn’t even know it. Read the rest of this entry »

Time: 9:49

What Am I doing: Twittering and Listening to Debate

Barack is the new word eh?

So I’m sitting here in a dress, hair as good as I can get it…make up too and wondering what in the heck i’m gonna do tonight.   This blogging thing has me trippin lately as my day-to-day has been extremely hectic.

Today:

3:30am-6:00am Tired, just got home from a meeting about some Vibe.com stuff. But still managed to muster a post or two up before falling asleep Read the rest of this entry »

Time: 2:33am

What Am I Doing: Updating the blog and chatting with Monica via text

I’m so tired. So damn exhausted from the weekend.  I ended up going out with my friends three days straight this weekend and it definitely took a toll on my body. Especially the second night which I consumed more drinks than my usual limit and damn near had to crawl inside my house. I should have just slept in the parking lot..

But I had to celebrate. Last week was the week from hell with my computer getting hacked and crazy viruses which prevented me from updating the site as much as I usually do throughout the week. Couple that with the fact that I was on my third week of overloading my server and I was headed for a mental breakdown.  The downtime was good in the end as it helped me better assemble my team, take on some huge marketing projects and really map out what direction I wanted to take the site.  By the end the week I was on a new server and had a new laptop and it was back to business. I just had to get a drinky drink…or two…or three…or.. You know where this is going…just to get some stess off my chest. I know a friend of mine would tell me other ways I could release that stress but I’ve been celibate so…

I swear no sex = focus

I never understood how a woman can be about her business but all it takes is a brother to come blow her back out for her to get “unfocused”. *another random thought…

Anyway, speaking of THAT subject. I’ve been having casual conversations with this guy for a few weeks. The first conversation he was asking Did I cook (yellow flag), who i live with (another yellow flag) and there were a few other questions he threw in there that let me know what I was working with. Basically this guy is looking to shack up. He stays with a family member (*girl what are you thinking????).  It’s like i try not to discriminate because I am from humble beginnngs and have struggled the past few years but DAMN do i really need to lower my standards.  My friends call those type of situations an STD, as in Something To Do but I don’t need any STD’s right now..k. So he won’t be getting a call back..I’m done entertaining..

Speaking of STD, this girl supposedly posted Larry Johnson’s valtrex subscription on baller alert. That crap look hella legit. When f*cking with groupies goes wrong..

Speaking of…my sister’s mom won’t read my site because she says I curse to much.  Really I don’t think I do. I used to have a potty mouth but I”m evolving just a little.  I think she’s just turned off by the word B*tchie and the B*tch in my slogan. Oh well…

I was on the phone with my boy the other day and he’s like “If you go in someone’s house and they don’t have any pictures up” that’s a red flag. I was like “damn, for real..i don’t have any pictures up”. He said “Like I said, that’s a red flag. You have a questionable a– past”.  I fell out…but so true…

I was listening to Vibe Magazine’s editor talk about the Ciara and Robin Thicke situation on the radio. DAnyel Smith is my new freaking hero! I just love how gully she was during the interview

here’s my new shero list

Danyel Smith (Vibe Magazine)

Julie Beverly (Ozone Magazine - she’s gangsta)

Hannah Kang (Grand Hustle - she’s also gangsta)

Miss INfo (it’s something about her style and the way she reports that I can dig)

I have mad meetings this week so I’ll probably pick up some more by the end of the week

Oh lord, catching that sleep bug..

Gotta go

Time: 3:08am

Time: 1:19pm

What am I doing: absolutely nothing….

Last week a friend asked what happened to my personal posts on my site and I explained that I made a separate site for those types of posts. Why should I subject folks who come to my site for celebrity oriented news to hear about my random ramblings? He says “We want more B*tchie”…I said…

Well I didn’t say anything, I just *shrugged*

Over the past week I’ve written a total of 7 personal blogs on this site that I never finished and so they are waiting in Drafts. It’s a scary reminder of where I was five years ago…constantly starting things but never finishing. I have plenty of unfinished screenplays in the vault…just as many novels…  Writers block perhaps?

Somewhere I lost my passion… for it all

The other day I walked into a Borders book store and I had plans to return a few books that I had bought but never read. I wanted to exchange them for some business books. The cashier takes my receipt and says, “you can’t return these, it’s been over 14 days”.  I said “fine”, paid for my business books and left the store.  I get to the car and realized that I was on the 15th day (one day after i was eligible to return the books) so I go back in the store and ask for a manager so I could state my case to him.  The manager walks up, a very calm looking african american guy and while he is approaching I’m making the decision on whether i was going to make a big deal out of returning the books or would I just walk away. I didn’t want to be considered that difficult black woman, I mean it was over 14 days right?:  So he approaches me and I say “you know ….nevermind” and I turn around and he says “are you sure, what do you need” and I explain to him that I was thinking about returning books, i was unaware there was a 14 day policy instead of 30 days but I decided I wasn’t gonna bother with it.  He says ‘well where are the books” and I say “In the car” and he tells me to go get them.  After he rung me up and presented me with a refund he says “you should never give up so easily” while shaking his head in disappointment.    I didn’t know this man from Adam but in his voice, I heard my mother, I heard my grandmother, I heard my father…I heard everyone that I’ve lost in my life through this one guy and the message was so much bigger than returning those books.  For the past four years I’ve found myself constantly giving up on everything I’ve ever tried to achieve in life… this was my reminder, I can’t give up now…

I was talking to my best friend the other day and I said, “you know in the last two years I’ve shown up at your house twice, with everything I owned piled in my car, homeless. I remember one time I came and I hadn’t had a bath for three days and I wouldn’t even sit on your couch, I sat on the floor.  The last time was in March of this year but it’s almost 6 months later and I’m still here. I’m not homeless…I have food to eat and I’m trying my hardest to make it my own way.

So why is it that I feel a certain way when it comes to celebrating that success?
I’ve come a long way…

footsteps in the sand